08/01/09

I think I have a drinking problem.
I woke up today feeling like total shit. Too much wine. Bad. I woke up and thought of her and cried. Eight months. That’s how long till I see her, if I even do then. It’s already been four. I dreamt about her the other night. It was horrible. I went downstairs this morning and stared at the fridge until I remembered that we fucked against it. And in the shower, in my bed, in hers, in the living room…It all feels like a dream; it happened but now everything’s so different and I wonder was it real? Was any of it even real? I don’t know. I don’t look at her facebook anymore. I haven’t done for weeks. I can’t stand it. Not yet. I got a notification saying someone had commented on her photo; She’s changed her name, taken out the middle one. I feel like she’s already married. I feel like she’s a different person. I wonder how long it will take to forget it. I long for that connection but will I ever have it with another person? Everyone I’ve fucked since her, it’s all the same, I don’t feel it. I feel nothing. None of them mattered to me. Maybe the therapy will help. God I’m a fuck up.